Someone I met on my travels said to me ‘everyone long term travelling is either running from something or trying to find something’. Since hearing this I have thought a lot about this. I have said this to other people and am yet to find someone who disagrees.
Whilst I hose down pens or do other cleaning jobs which don’t require much thinking I think about home, I think about the reasons I left and I try to figure out why I left to travel. Some people might think it’s obvious, I mean who doesn’t want to see the world and have fun. You may be asking if they are reason enough but the truth is for most control freaks like myself that wasn’t a good enough reason to leave. Before I can even decide why I left I need to consider what I was giving up. Some days it feels like I gave up so much. The most obvious things I gave up were;
- Being able to see my family everyday
- Having awesome friends around
- An awesome career which for my age was something I was really proud of
- Having my own space
- A romance which was pretty new
It may not seem like a long list but that list filled my day 24/7. I had from the outside a great life. Anyone looking in would think I was privileged and that everything was great. But the reality was a little different. Yes I was privileged and yes at times it was amazing, I just wasn’t happy.
So seeing my family is the thing I miss the most. Having a hug from my mum or even having my dad who could fix anything. My brother who would irritate me but who was also one of the funniest individuals alive. When I left I gave up the opportunity to see them everyday and to hear their voices. I now miss events like birthdays and bank holidays. I miss family dinners. Especially where I am at the moment with the limited signal even talking to them is a struggle. The days are long and the evenings are cold so going to find signal is never a biggest priority. I miss my family more then I thought possible.
The second on the list is seeing my friends. I had some pretty awesome friends. I also had some friends I lost touch with. I wonder what my friends are doing a lot. I occasionally hear from them but again it’s just hard to stay in contact. Again I am missing milestones in their lives. Birthdays, events and even one of my best friends having a baby. I have not met baby Callie, I couldn’t be there for Sophie. My friends are now living different lives which I cannot be a part of. I can’t even keep track on Facebook or instagram to see what my other friends are up to. I miss dinners, I miss nights out, I miss girls night. I miss having plans with people each weekend. I miss drinking and getting takeaways with them. I just miss having a social network where someone is always willing to either get drunk or grab a McDonald’s.
I put work before everything, I gave it 110% leaving nothing in the reserve tank. I put work first before a lot, giving up opportunities to visit friends living abroad because of projects or spending my weekends revising for the next exam. Sometimes I question how much I gained. Yes I have experience and qualifications but what are the point in them? What are they worth if I change my mind and go down a different career route. Did they make me happier? I would say no. However even after writing this I remember the times that I laughed so hard I cried because I worked with incredible people. I remember how proud i was of myself when I completed projects. I remember a sense of achievement. I remember the sadness I felt when leaving. It was also at least 8 hours of my day 5 days a week.
Point 5 might sound really strange but by this I mean having my own room. For almost 8 months I have shared a room every night except from a handful. I miss being able to just put my stuff wherever I like. I miss complete silence at night. At the moment it is better as I am sharing with the same people for a long period of time in comparison to hostel life where you worry about your stuff being stolen and making sure valuables are locked away. But I just miss having a space to call my own.
The last thing I think about is a strange one because I think about something that could have been. Before I left the UK I had met a really incredible guy. He was extremely funny, charming, supportive, intelligent, good looking and just ticked every box of someone I was looking for. I had so much fun when I was with him but because I left the uk I didn’t give this a chance to play out. I don’t know what would have happened. It could have been nothing. It could have fizzled out or we may have discovered we wouldn’t have worked. But it could have worked. It could have been something amazing. I gave up his witty comments and the jokes that no one else would have understood.
But the funny and hardest thing is although I gave up all lthese things they are all still going without me. My family and friends are still alright. My old job is now being done by other people. The guy from the last time I spoke to him is still ok. And my room at home is still there.
This isn’t a negative blog although I can see how it would read that way. I am ok but I am still figuring out what I am running from and looking for. Travelling or living abroad may seem like a dream and for many people it is however I guess my point is that it is easy to forget that people doing this have to give things up. Maybe soon I will be able to figure out what it is I was looking for.
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